What proceeds is the email that I sent to Staples customer service after 5 or 6 computer-generated responses regarding my “Staples Rewards”.
I’m extremely disappointed and frustrated at our recent interactions. I understand that the person reading this email didn’t start the company and probably wasn’t the one who wrote the fine print on your bullshit Rewards program, so I’m writing as if the big red building herself can hear me.
Staples, our relationship started off great. I got a job as a teacher and started coming to see you once or twice a week to make teacher-ly purchases for my classroom or my Master’s classes. You have a great selection with a variety of items going on sale, plus a modestly decent-quality selection of Staples-brand generic materials.
You were great; always friendly and helpful with a great return policy. I’m on my 5th laser pointer from you! Try calling up Nintendo and asking for a new Gamecube after you drop it; you will be disappointed.
Staples, we had a great relationship for a little over a year until things started to get rocky. I mean, when we first met, you told me about the Staples Rewards program where I would get 10% back on my qualifying purchases and I was stoked. I made more purchases, thinking that I’d be getting 10% back on them.
After about 18 months. I was beginning to feel our relationship a bit one-sided. I hadn’t seen any rewards, and they were supposed to come every 3 months. Don’t get me wrong; I still like you and everything, but I’m starting to think that I’m giving more to this than you are.
Finally, I couldn’t live in denial anymore, so I contacted Customer Service and asked for you to reciprocate. I was shocked and betrayed when you said that I didn’t qualify for Rewards! And even more surprised when I heard about how only my paper and ink purchases count towards money back! You harlot! You lied to me! You never said anything about “qualifying purchases” or “minimum monthly quota”!
We’re through. I’m taking this wallet and getting involved with your hot cousin, Officemax. At least she’s up front with me about the Rewards program and I don’t have to go through weeks of computer-generated emails to get a straight answer.
Go to hell.
Saucy in San Gabriel,
Staples Reward #5947960141