Shuffling through some old journal entries, I found this one from 2012, my 5th year teacher and the first year that I felt like a veteran who was choosing to keep improving. I’m posting it here—unedited—in hopes that someone finds it and can be encouraged. There’s plenty here I no longer believe, but the core remains an accurate struggle of mine.
I’ve been a bad teacher before.
I’ve yelled at the whole class for the misdeeds of a few students. I’ve asked the whole class for advice on how to be a better teacher, then shushed them when I didn’t like the answer.
I’ve argued with one student while the whole class looks on. I’ve attempted to win an argument by getting louder and angrier. I’ve raised my voice higher and higher until I’m screaming something inane like “In this classroom, we only sharpen our pencils during the warm-up activity!”
I’ve also made a student feel like garbage in front of the class. I have found myself weeping after the final bell for becoming the same bully that tormented a younger me. I’ve made fun of students. Children—and I’ve ridiculed them, half my age.
I’ve made hundreds of mistakes in my quest to become an educator, but the most glaring errors aren’t those that make principals bite their lower lip and parents furrow their brow. No the biggest mistakes are the ones where I do nothing.
Jason turns around to distract the three students behind him during the lesson, and I do nothing.
Destinee screams at Jamal, “Nobody’s talking to you, idiot!” and I do nothing.
Kira stands beside her desk, taking notes and I do nothing.
James sits docile, not raising his hand or talking to his neighbor about the math, or even showing his whiteboard on the practice problems, and I do nothing.
Deon pushes Michael and says, “N*gga, mind your own business!” and I do nothing.
Josh leans back in his chair and yells, “Ugh, this is boring!” and I do nothing.
My pride wants to qualify that most of these one-liners are years old.
My shame reminds me that half of them happened this week, and more.
In short, the biggest indicator of a bad teacher is one that allows students to leave the class without gaining every possible fraction of knowledge. I’m a bad teacher for allowing students to NOT play the factor game. I’m a bad teacher for allowing students to ignore homework assignments while I quietly dock their grade.
I’m a bad teacher every time I permit something that I planned as necessary.
I was a bad teacher today, and my observer called me on it. She’s totally right, and she wants me to be my best—which is why she doesn’t permit anything less than perfect.
…it still hurts, though.