The Failure of the California Public School on February 25th

First the good news.

Today, I taught the Quadratic Formalab& thatbs not the good news. I taught it by humming bPop Goes the Weaselb all period. Then I put a slide on the wall with the quadratic formula.

Intimidating, right? Then I sang the Quadratic Formula song, which sounds like this:

Two out of my three classes burst into applause. Ibm feeling pretty good.

Now the bad news: our kids are dumb.

The future leaders of the world arebright nowbnot too bright.

Someday, they will be presidents and doctors and professors, but now they areB about as sharp as … a bowling pin.

If youbre a parentb& well, Ibd say that Ibm sorry. But odds are that you already know; you can’t leave them alone with a sharp object.

In my class, we do a Jeopardy-question-of-the-day, using my Jeopardy day-calendar. Herebs todaybs question:

This countrybs largest lake shares the name with the country; the second-largest lake shares the name with the capital city.

In my class, I expect chaos for a couple minutes as kids yell stuff. I make a point to only call on students with hands raised and give props to only those students if they guess correctly.

Inevitably, however, students spew stupidity anyway.

Alex: Mississippi!
Mr. Vaudrey: Thatbs not a country.
Ryan: Missouri?
Mr. Vaudrey: Guys. That is also not a country.
Zach: Oh, Lake Perris!
Mr. Vaudrey: Guys! United States is a country, California is a state, Los Angeles is a county, Moreno Valley is a city.
Antonio: Wait, I thought Los Angeles was a city?
Susana: Webre in Riverside County, right?
TJ: No! Riverside is a city.
Mr. Vaudrey:B Yes, and itbs also a county. Riverside is a city and a county. [Deep breath] Okay, think of it this way: B Mexico is a country, Michoacan is a state.
Alejandra: Donbt you mean Michigan?
Mr. Vaudrey: No! I meant Michoacan! I wouldbve said Michigan if I meant Michigan!
Alejandra: Well, you pronounce words funny.
Alex: Oh! Is it Kentucky?
Mr. Vaudrey [grabs two fistfuls of hair, through gritted teeth] Nope. Also a state.
Daria: Europe!
Zach: Thatbs a continent!
Daria: b&waitb& thenb& the country that contains Europe.
Ryan: Oh, that’s Africa!

Thatbs right. Webll be retiring in a world that our students will be governing.

I sure hope they can use the big-boy scissors by then.

And for the record. It’s Nicaragua.

~V